The following dictionary was forwarded to me by an airline employee who shall remain nameless. Because for now, he still has his job.
The Airline Dictionary
Open-jaw: What clients do when they find out what their full-coach fare will be.
Air fare (mathematics): Unstable number that changes so fast it cannot be measured.
Passenger: Cargo that talks.
Airline club: Paradise-like kingdom guarded by dragon-like creatures.
Fog: Weather condition generated by airports.
Luggage carousel: Mechanical device that always turns in a direction opposite to the one you expect.
Airline sales rep: Underpaid demigod expected to perform superhuman tasks. Rare species.
No record: The passenger went online and booked his own flight.
Tunnel between United terminals at O’Hare: Passageway built to create flashback hallucinations in baby boomers.
Direct flight: 1) Connecting flight in disguise. 2) What civilians think a nonstop flight is.
Security checkpoint: Place where TSA screeners make fun of people’s socks.
In-flight snack: Little treats sealed in a bag impervious to all but chainsaws.
Baggage sorting area: See “Bermuda Triangle.”
Codeshare: Magic trick in which aircraft from several different airlines leave from the same gate at the very same moment.
Gate announcement: Vital information delivered over a sound system rejected by Taco Bell.
Overhead reading light: A light that points to anyplace other than where your book is.
Remain seated announcement: Phrase that creates an instant urge to go to the lavatory.
737: Response to overwhelming customer demand for more middle seats.
747: Pregnant 737.
Commuter jet: 737 before it grows up.
Blankets and pillows (archaic): Sleep-inducing objects said to have existed in primitive times.
SkyMall catalog: 1) Collection of items thought up by mad geniuses. 2) Things that could have made you rich if you had thought of them first.
Minimum connecting time: Time it takes for an Olympic gold medal sprinter to run between two gates.
Hotel shuttle: Vehicle subject to paranormal effect. While waiting, every hotel van will come by multiple times — except yours.
Overhead luggage: Rectangular object expected to magically shrink from the size of a refrigerator to the size of a loaf of bread.
Frequent-flier programs: Airline’s term for Pandora’s box.
Skycap effect: Uncontrolled urge to watch what happens to your luggage after you check it at curbside.
On time: Obscure term, meaning unknown.
Janice Hough is a California-based travel agent a travel blogger and a part-time comedy writer. A frequent flier herself, she’s been doing battle with airlines, hotels, and other travel companies for over three decades. Besides writing for Travelers United, Janice has a humor blog at Leftcoastsportsbabe.com (Warning, the political and sports humor therein does not represent the views of anyone but herself.)
